It doesn't feel right holding anyone else's hand...
...Ugh...Depression...The deep dark abyss in the corner of my mind...it makes you think several things...especially when my better half is depressed...it sucks because I can't be there for her when she needs me...it makes me feel like a failure at life...failing the one person that I care about more than anything...who wouldn't feel like s**t afterwards...I have people that need to die...o yes...this guy getting her presents...then old ex's coming back wanting to be friends and s**t...it's depressing...I don't want this detached feeling anymore...I don't like this coldness...this lonliness...cold...darkness...lonliness...I feel helpless to it...and angry at it...the fact that I can't do everything I would like to do for the one that I love...the one that loves me like no one ever has before...and the fact that I know her type of love is rare...o so rare...but then what can I do but call and always look in on her but rarely having chances to interact...not being there in her times of need...then people filling her with doubts of me...I don't need any of this...I don't want any of this...Why can't we just be happy...why can't we just pretend to be the perfect couple...we have something beautiful...but what can we do with it...hold it...play with it...do everything but make it grow into something more beautiful because that takes more interaction...that takes love and affection that I'm not there to offer...that I have an overabundance of...but yet I have no way to share it...leaving this bud to die...it tries to bloom...oh how it tries...it even stirs a bit...tries to make something beautiful...but no...no...not me...I can't make it bloom...this 258 miles has killed me since day one...I knew it going in...but somehow I guess I thought more of myself...how foolish of me...thinking I could actually have something good in my life...did I forget that I am destined to be alone...did I forget that karma is against me...did I forget that I am not desired by many and that the best thing to ever happen to me is far,far away while everyone else has there's at hand? ...why i ask...why...I don't have an answer...but I do know that I can just feel bad for not being everything she needs...heh...it's funny the Holiday season is coming quickly...what do I want for Christmas she asks...what do I want I think to myself...well my dear, all I want is you...
I've never felt more awkward in my life than before earlier today...Laying there in the middle of Kiki's living room floor hiding from the fervent passion that her and my friend were unleashing upon one another...sulking in self-pity...clinching to my cell phone...the one thing that had anything to do with my Kimmie...calling her to tell her how much I miss her and how much I want to be with her...holding her...doing anything with her...I don't care what...just anything...so I talk to her for a moment but she was busy...*sigh* so I lay there with flickering memories of the special nights we spent together...doing whatever...going to wal-mart at 2 AM...just laying watching TV...they might not seem like much...but each of those nights were special and I cherish them all as they are stuck on repeat on the projector which is my mind...I guess it even upset me that she couldn't talk... I guess I just needed her words of comfort...but they weren't there...so I curled on the floor wallowing in the pity...playing those memories...til it was time to leave...very awkward indeed...I don't know what else there was to do...I don't like those uneasy moments...I felt so wrong...so alone...so cold...into the abyss of my mind...of this damn dorm room...of this lifestyle i chose to lead knowing of the possibility that I would find someone as amazing as Kim is to me...but I never thought that it would be like this...but i guess that in someways it makes us want each other more...yes...yes...but how much longer will this last...I hope forever...I don't want this new feeling to end...
I've never felt more awkward in my life than before earlier today...Laying there in the middle of Kiki's living room floor hiding from the fervent passion that her and my friend were unleashing upon one another...sulking in self-pity...clinching to my cell phone...the one thing that had anything to do with my Kimmie...calling her to tell her how much I miss her and how much I want to be with her...holding her...doing anything with her...I don't care what...just anything...so I talk to her for a moment but she was busy...*sigh* so I lay there with flickering memories of the special nights we spent together...doing whatever...going to wal-mart at 2 AM...just laying watching TV...they might not seem like much...but each of those nights were special and I cherish them all as they are stuck on repeat on the projector which is my mind...I guess it even upset me that she couldn't talk... I guess I just needed her words of comfort...but they weren't there...so I curled on the floor wallowing in the pity...playing those memories...til it was time to leave...very awkward indeed...I don't know what else there was to do...I don't like those uneasy moments...I felt so wrong...so alone...so cold...into the abyss of my mind...of this damn dorm room...of this lifestyle i chose to lead knowing of the possibility that I would find someone as amazing as Kim is to me...but I never thought that it would be like this...but i guess that in someways it makes us want each other more...yes...yes...but how much longer will this last...I hope forever...I don't want this new feeling to end...
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Shazall on
Oh how i know.I am sorry you must go through this their is nothing more painful then not being able to hold the person you love the most and not being able to comfort them and just do everyday things that people in relationships take for granteed. Like the smallest thing as a kiss goodmorning.I am truly Sorry that life has dealt you this hand. The best of luck to you.
